It's a Sannin thing
by Revenquill
Summary: "Ssasuke-kun is actually more like Kakashi," Orochimaru softly stated. "Are you trying to say you had a thing for Kakashi before you moved on to the Uchiha?" When the three meet, they're always gossiping and poking fun at each other. 'Cos as long as you're together name calling never gets old, no matter how young or ancient you are. Ah, reunions. Purely dialogue-based CRACKfic.
1. Chapter 1

**Repeat  
**  
Showing off, Sannin style.

A/N: I do not own Naruto, of course. I've tried to portray the three as lovable geezers who are never old at heart, always competitive, and always fooling around. As this is a dialogue fic, the following will be applied throughout up to the end of the story –  
 _  
Orochimaru_ : _italics coz he's skewed and sly like that_

Jiraiya: underline coz he's all about making big impressions of himself  
 **  
Tsunade** : **bold coz she's a strong woman taking charge**

*POOF!/CRACK!/THUD!/BOOM!/BAM!/CRUNCH!: I'm sure you can figure it out, depending on the circumstances delivered below but POOF! is definitely the sound of Orochimaru's disappearance.  
**Also, if the styles ( _italics_ , underline, **bold** ) **_overlap_** , it means they are speaking simultaneously, the same words.

I hope you enjoy the randomness my mind conjured up.

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.

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" _Observe the flawlessss technique of my taijutssssu!_ " Orochimaru hissed with malicious delight.

"Oh, I can do this! Behold the power of Jiraiya-sama!" Jiraiya yelped with a triumphant leap.

" **I'll blow this up! Look!** " Tsunade bellowed with a fist fiercely clenched.

And on and on they went..

.

.

"I can summon huge ass amphibians!" Jiraiya proudly pronounced.

" _I've got Manda!_ "

" **I've got Katsui!** "

"I've got Bunta!"

" **You've had your turn already by saying you have an amphibian summon!** " Tsunade complained.

" _Although it does sssurprise me that you know that word,_ " sneered Orochimaru.

Choosing to ignore the snub, Jiraiya turned to Tsunade instead, "Well, I didn't get to introduce him by his name."

" **True,** " acquiesced Tsunade with a nod.

" ** _…_** "

" ** _I have a trick to looking youthful!_** " This statement was shrieked out by Tsunade and Orochimaru wanting to one up the other.

Not wanting to be left out, Jiraiya joined in the fray, " ** _I have a protégé!_** "

"Naruto!" He portentously called out the name of his disciple.

" **Baka like you,** " scoffed Tsunade.

"He will be a hero! An esteemed Hokage! Like I've destined him to be!" Jiraiya proclaimed with a puffed out chest.

" **Esteemed, my ass.** " Tsunade scorned while rolling her eyes.

Smirking, Orochimaru supplemented, " _Ssasuke-kun is better._ "

" **That traitor,"** Tsunade criticized angrily at the mention of the Uchiha before her eyes widened in realisation, **"Hey, wait a moment! He only ran off because you pulled him out!** "

" _Yesss indeed. He's just like me. He saw the futility of remaining in a poor village for power and turned to me. And once he's all ripe and gr- I mean, once he's all grown to my liking I shall possess his body. We shall become one. In this way, I will be forever youthful and beautiful,"_ spoke a starry-eyed Orochimaru.

Confused at the level of openness Orochimaru seemed to express, Jiraiya began to retort, "This isn't some kind of grow-my-own-supply-of-bodies-so-I-can-be-immort- OH," he'd understood, "It is. For you, isn't it. Creepy as always, eh?"

Tsunade edged away, " **Sicko.** "

Orochimaru leered at them, waggling his eyebrows, " _Do not judge until you've tried it, old friend._ "

" **I don't need to kidnap children from hidden villages to stock pile up for my youth,"** spat back Tsunade.

Orochimaru huffed, " _You're the Hokage and all that paperwork you detessst will make you die fasster. I'll be plenty alive after either of you die._ "

" **You're just bitter you didn't get to become Hokage of the Leaf Village.** "

"You sly snake, Orochimaru, you! That's why you wanted to be Hokage! You wanted to pick out the children from the large batch we have every year fresh at the academy!"

" _…_ "

" **You didn't think of that, did you? Not until you left and started up the whole Sound business, anyway.** " Tsunade noted with sharp eyes.

"Orochimaru?"

" _Until we meet again, friendssss._ "

POOF!

Coughing at the smoke he left behind Tsunade choked out, " **Why do I have a feeling he's run off just now only to go back to the 'village' he took over to build a special academy?** "

"Don't worry, he already has Sasuke at his disposal. I'm sure he's not that greedy."

" **Like that's any consolation.** "

"Ah Tsunade, it's just two of us left again. Alone. After all that verbal sparring, I'm worn out. Wanna get some sake?"

" **...** "

"Let's hook up."

CRACK!

" **Perv! If we hear of any strange movements from Sound about an academy for the gifted you know it's ALL YOUR DAMNED FAULT!** "

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A/N: Part one complete. I hope that at the very least it made you smile at the silliness of it all. It's rated T only for the mild 'language' and 'suggestive content' that will occur as they banter. Reviews are awesome.  
Cheers,

Revenquill.


	2. Chapter 2

**Repeat  
**  
Showing off, Sannin style.

A/N: Reminder –  
 _  
Orochimaru_ : _italics cuz he's skewed and sly like that_

Jiraiya: underline cuz he's all about making big impressions of himself  
 **  
Tsunade** : **bold cuz she's a strong woman taking charge**

*POOF!/CRACK!/THUD!/BOOM!/BAM!/CRUNCH!: I'm sure you can figure it out, depending on the circumstances delivered below but POOF! is definitely the sound of Orochimaru's disappearance.  
**Also, if the styles ( _italics_ , underline, **bold** ) **_overlap_** , it means they are speaking simultaneously, the same words.

.

" _We meet again, Jiraiya. Tsunade._ " Orochimaru nodded to them with an air of false civility.

It was all they needed for an opening. The three chorused as if rehearsed, " ** _I have a protégé!_** "

" ** _We know,_** " they snapped simultaneously.

" ** _S(s)top that._** "

" ** _…_** "

Orochimaru commented, " _Thiss is creepy._ "

" **Déjà vu,** " agreed Tsunade.

"I can't believe Orochimaru just said that something is creepy." Jiraiya shook his head.

Tsunade quirked her head to one side before declaring, " **He was part of the creepiness so I guess it's fine.** "

"True."

" _Sso.._ " Orochimaru queried.

In true Jiraiya fashion, he chirped up, "My turn! Jiraiya! I, Jirayia-sama, have picked out Uzumaki Naruto-"

" **Haruno Sakura, my protégé is always beating up that baka,** " cut in Tsunade, her eyes peering down on her nails.

"Naruto's always chasing after that devil Uchiha under Orochimaru's wing," admitted Jiraiya.

" _Ssasuke-kun is ssstill chasing after his brother,_ " allowed Orochimaru.

" **Sakura is chasing after the Uchiha too,** " sighed Tsunade.

" _What, both?_ " Orochimaru adopted a curious expression as he leant in.

" **No, no, she's in love with the traitor.** " Tsunade sulked.

He stretched back and shook out his arms leisurely before inquiring, " _They are both traitorsss by leaving the village. Which one?_ "

" **THE YOUNGER ONE! THE ONE YOU STOLE! STOP PRETENDING TO BE DUMBER THAN YOU ARE TO PISS ME OFF! I KNOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!** "

Orochimaru jeered, " _Well, it worked, did it not? Successssss._ "

BOOM!

Jiraiya cheered, "Damn, you missed Slug-hime. Go get him! He's just asking for it!"

" **GET BACK HERE SO I CAN PUMMEL YOU INTO THE GROUND YOU SWISHY HAIRED SNAKE-!** "

" _Until we meet again, Sslug-princess and Frog-man._ "

POOF!

" **He always gets to have the last word, huh. Slimy worm.** " Tsunade muttered, cracking her knuckles.

"I'm not a frog! My summon is a toad!" Jiraiya lamented.

" **Same difference. They are both oily and warty looking.** "

"Bah."

" **And I bet he knew that. He's just trying to annoy us.** " Tsunade relented.

"Wanna get some sake?"

" **...** "

"Let's hook up."

CRACK! THUD!

" **Perv. You never learn. You're digging your own grave, you know.** "

.

A/N: Part two complete. I hope it was entertaining to see Orochimaru baiting Tsunade. Poor Jiraiya got double the beatings he earned. Oops. I also like the idea of all of them thinking the same things and finding out that they were more alike to one another than they think they are. This chapter was short but the final chapter will be the longest and it's coming up very soon.  
Cheers,

Revenquill.


	3. Chapter 3

**Repeat  
**  
Showing off, Sannin style.

A/N: The final entry. Reminder –  
 _  
_ _Orochimaru_ : _italics cuz he's skewed and sly like that_

Jiraiya: underline cuz he's all about making big impressions of himself  
 **  
** **Tsunade** : **bold cuz she's a strong woman taking charge**

*POOF!/CRACK!/THUD!/BOOM!/BAM!/CRUNCH!: I'm sure you can figure it out, depending on the circumstances delivered below but POOF! is definitely the sound of Orochimaru's disappearance.  
**Also, if the styles ( _italics_ , underline, **bold** ) **_overlap_** , it means they are speaking simultaneously, the same words.

.

.

" _Ssasuke-kun is-_ "

"Naruto is-"

" **Sakura is** -"

" ** _-is back in Konoha._** "

" ** _…_** "

" ** _So are we._** "

"We really have to stop doing this speaking together thing," Jiraiya protested weakly.

Orochimaru reconfirmed, " _Team ssseven has reconciled._ "

" **Naruto is like Obito. But Obito, as per tradition, as an Uchiha, was the one that left. Madara too. Those Uchihas. I don't know if we need more of them. But now that the last Uchiha is seeing Sakura..** " Tsunade trailed off.

"Imagine the babies they'll have," Jiraiya perked up considerably as he looked far off into the distance.

Tsunade barked out, " **I don't want to. They aren't even married yet!** "

" _His blood limit is preciousss,_ " Orochimaru decidedly attested.

" **Yes, you would know now, wouldn't you,** " mocked Tsunade.

Throwing her a lazy look, Orochimaru defended, " _Oh you know they will get married. The Uchiha clan must be rebuilt. That was one of Ssasuke-kun's goals, according to my sssources, even before he hit his teens. At the tender age of-_ "

" **Where exactly do you get this information from? You're surprisingly talkative when it comes to the Uchiha's business too.** "

"Poor Sakura. Having to deal with all that angst and emo-ness that is Sasuke Uchiha. And the sex is bound to be extremely tir-"

" **Stop.** "

He blinked up at her, "What? Don't you feel bad for her? She's going to be popping out a child every year after they get married."

Sniffing, Tsunade scrutinized Jiraiya, " **No, stop imagining them together, pervy freak.** "

"…I wasn't! Honest! I was feeling bad for Sakura! I expect she will be the one to do most of work since Uchiha is missing a limb at the current time, if you know what I mean."

" **What is wrong with you? THEY WERE OUR STUDENTS. STOP IMAGINING THINGS.** "

"Oh but to tell a writer, an artist, to stop imagining is futile as it is discouraging. This Jiraiya-sama will be known as the-"

"S _stupidest Ssannin of all time,_ " taunted Orochimaru.

"-stupidest Sannin of all ti- OI! I'll have you know that I am-"

" ** _An idiot,_** " Orochimaru and Tsunade verified together.

"Hey! No fair! You two are ganging up on me! Whatever. You have no understanding of what the great Jiraiya-sama creates in the literary field. I think I will use red and pink as the colour of the female protagonist of the finale in-"

CRACK!

Orochimaru snickered while Tsunade fumed, " **STOP THINKING OF SAKURA IN YOUR TWISTED FANTASIES AS THE NEXT VICTIM OF YOUR WRETCHED BOOK!** "

Wincing as he stood back up, Jiraiya held out his hands as if to pacify Tsunade, "I was only thinking about what lovely material I should pursue for the next novel of mine! She could be the muse for another masterpiece now that's she's old enough and no longer a twerp. Although she is lacking in the area you excel in, dear Tsuna-"

BAM! CRUNCH! THUD!

A howl of pain muted the already quiet tones of Orochimaru's words, " _Sstupid as ever. You never learn, Jiraiya._ _Aren't your novelss explicit porn disguised as a flirting romance ssstory?_ "

Tsunade straightened up and stared, " **Orochimaru? You too? You closet perv! Both of my ex-teammates are pedo pervs!** "

Bouncing back up to his feet, Jiraiya voiced his enthusiasm, "Oho! So you have heard of it! Yes, the new Icha Icha-"

" _Do they have any characterss that sseek revenge but reform only to get married and have kidsss of their own that seek revenge and become the next..container for an amazing geniusss to experiment on?_ "

Tsunade exhaled noisily, " **Stop imagining the yet-to-exist-baby as your next vessel, pedo freak.** "

" _Ssasuke-kun is a lot like Kakashi, isn't he?_ "

"Nice. Changing the topic but not really because you're still speaking of him. Who is the stupid one now?" Jiraiya heckled.

Orochimaru continued as if Jiraiya had not spoken, " _And Ssakura is like Rin. With her healing expertise and Obito following her around like a lost puppy._ "

This time, Tsunade sniggered, " **Don't pretend otherwise, we all know you're still not over the Uchiha.** " **  
**  
However, Jiraiya was distracted, " Like a 'lost puppy' you say? Tsunade, you said that Naruto is like Obito.. "

" **Your point**?"

"Naruto chased after Sakura?"

Orochimaru's eyes widened noticeably, " _How did you not know? Being sstupid as you are, I do not believe even you would not have noticed that._ "

" **You were his teacher. You even had a mission with him and Sakura together when they were chasing after Uchiha. Hell, you even requested it,** " reminded Tsunade.

Properly admonished, Jiraiya elaborated, "Oh yea. Exactly, though. As you said, 'when they were chasing after Uchiha' – it was always them two sticking together trying to bring him back until they actually did succeed in bringing him back that I'd forgotten Naruto's massive crush on Sakura."

Tapping her index finger along her chin, Tsunade deliberated, " **By running away, the Uchiha made sure that Naruto had no chance with her. They were too busy trying to become stronger on their own to catch up with him. I wonder if it was planned genius or simply their stubborn-headedness of all three that made it into the way it is now.** "

"It makes sense. Orochimaru did the same thing."

Taken aback by the unexpected admission Tsunade gaped, " **What?** "

" _Well, assside from the whole 'sssucceeding to bring him back thing,' issn't that right?_ "

"Don't be so smug," countered Jiraiya, "You're here now, aren't you."

" **Hello? Excuse me? I never had a thing for Orochimaru, thank you very much! I had, and have currently, no interest whatsoever in either of you romantically! Our team is nothing like theirs. Except that they had us as teachers. And that they have our summons passed down to them.** "

Jiraiya smiled indulgently at her, "And that they are Sannins like us now. And that Sakura is a little you, except worse because she's gotten stronger and breaks things like you do. Sasuke ran off deserting the remaining team, like him. Shall I go on?"

Tossing her hand up as if to physically wave off the words, Tsunade laughed, " **Oh yes, like Naruto being the idiot he is like his tutor? Also becoming a pervert with his spectacular henge jutsus of a female? You must be so proud.** "

"Aside from the idiot thing, of course I'm proud," Jiraiya groused before he perked up, "his harem-no-jutsu is pure genius! It is spectacular, isn't it?"

" _She was being ssarcastic, sstupid._ "

"Oh. Right. I knew that," Jiraiya grumbled, "Anyway, Sasuke is becoming more like that snake over there. All quiet and dark."

" **You never really knew the Uchiha, Jiraiya. He was always quiet and broody.** "

" _Ssasuke-kun is actually more like Kakashi,_ " Orochimaru reflected softly.

Catching his words, Tsunade peered at him, " **Are you trying to say you had a thing for Kakashi before you moved on to the Uchiha? Because this is the second time you're saying that.** **Anyway, they are all back home and happy.** "

" _So the three have finally rejoined together._ " All three did not point out that Orochimaru had entirely skipped responding to Tsunade's jab.

"..Hmm," tutted Jiraiya.

" **Jiraiya, I won't even pretend to know a quarter that goes in your twisted brain when you start fantasizing but please stop. I can practically hear your disturbing giggling going on as you daydream while you put on your 'thinking' face.** "

Guileless, gullible, or superb acting skills indiscernible, Jiraiya excitedly jabbered, "You can hear my internal thoughts? When did you pick up that skill? Can you learn that or do you need close to perfect chakra control like you? Teach me, Tsunade!"

" **I give up.** "

" _Only now, Tsunade? I thought the slug princess never gave up._ "

" **Shut up, snake-face!** "

"Hey, I was thinking.."

" _You want uss to believe that a lecherous sstalker like you is able to think?_ "

"Shut up, snake-face!"

" _My, my, how perfectly you two are in sssync,_ " goaded Orochimaru, " _or are you a copy-cat? No originality yet you call yourself an author._ "

Tsunade interfered before Jiraiya could answer to the one who wore a self-pleased grin, " **What were you imagining now?** "

"That the pasty-faced poser used to be the leader of Sound," began Jiraiya, glaring at the one he addressed before turning to Tsunade, "and you, slug-hime, used to be the leader of this village. Kakashi is in charge at the moment so I'm the only one innocent of-"

" **More like ignorant of the world except for women and his bad peeking habits,** " Tsunade interjected.

" _And he doesn't care of learning responsibility._ "

Properly irritated, Jiraiya burst out, "Orochimaru, you can't say that! You don't know responsibility either you nefarious selfish crazy bastard!"

" **True. But he did take care of a village despite how it was all for his own gain. And all that manipulating and creepy experiments he did. On people. Never mind, I take it all back. You're a creepy psycho, Orochimaru.** "

Orochimaru challenged Jiraiya by refuting, " _But I did have loyal followerss that heeded my every order unlike you, Jiraiya._ "

" **He stumbled on Naruto. Well, Naruto stumbled on him and they became dumb and dumber.** "

Indignant, Jiraiya shouted, "Hey! My student is the one that became Hokage! Twice! The Fourth was my student too, remember!"

" **Naruto isn't Hokage yet,** " Tsunade wearily pointed out.

"Oh, you know he will be,"Jiraiya preened.

Her eyes pointing heavenward, she conceded, " **I guess I can't deny that.** "

" _You do not know what will happen until it happensss._ "

At the unanticipated sentiment, Jiraiya could only utter one word, "Deep."

" ** _…_** "

"Are we having a moment here?"

" **Ruined.** "

" _Now, I shall make my leave once again._ "

"Can't take the heat, you cold-blooded reptile?" Jiraiya questioned disparagingly.

Tsunade held up her hand as if to grab Orochimaru, " **Oh no, you don't! You and your stupid dramatic exits! I've had enou-** "

" _You can't sstop me. Until we meet again, losersssssss._ "

POOF!

"Wanna get some sake?"

" **...** "

"Let's hook up."

" **Perv. I don't even have the energy to get angry anymore. Or else, I'd have punched you flying. Again.** "

.  
.

A/N: The end.

I feel like Naruto and Sakura are Jiraiya's and Tsunade's adopted kids. Sakura and Naruto are like siblings though. Jiraiya and Tsunade are what Naruto and Sakura would have been like if Sasuke hadn't returned. Not married, but together in a strong companionship that lasts until their end. Hmm, can it be another fanfic brewing ahead? I've got so many 'ongoing projects' saved up on my laptop that I'm literally stuck.

Anyway, please share your thoughts on this little piece! I would like to know if it did manage to nudge out some laughs or smirks of amusement from you!  
Cheers,

Revenquill.


End file.
